Change will do you good

2008-11-17T23:53:30Z

I'm at a place I've never really been before and I can't say I can get my feet grounded very well. I'm normally very adapting and I always try my best to make a situation work but it has been months since I've felt good about myself. Journal after journal I always abandon my only vent for a thinking process after a while. I think I'm in need of some structure and planning. So... I've made some plans.

For the past few months I've been pretty dead set on becoming a nurse. 80-90 grand a year, extreme benefits, working 3 days a fucking week and being able to provide for my parents at some point. That would be beyond gangsta but of course, it's not me and I don't know how to not do me. I'm too flawed. Even though I've been a writer for years now and I've been "dead set" on writing "no matter what it takes", somewhere along the way I lost my strength. I was a fucking rock - I never let shit get to me or bother me, nothing mattered, I never cried (especially not for absolutely no reason!) and I always did what I wanted. And though I still make my own decisions... money has taken a bigger role than anything else. I was trying to find something else that I could do but I obvs didn't figure shit out. I never have time to just fucking think. I'm too tired for anything else.

And so I had an epiphany the other day in my creative writing class. A couple of people in my already tiny class were absent so we did a little game to pass the time effectively. I never realized that there are people who also find excitement in a single word. it was the first time I really felt right in school and I decided whatever that feeling was, I have to keep chasing it forever until I finally get something radically good out of it. And..... I really hope I do.

So although I'm going back to an idea I've been dragging with me for years now, I've decided I'm sticking with it. So technically I don't know if this is change but, I've been in some serious need of some in general. Even though I'm really fucking tired of trying, I'm gonna

It's all happening

Change will do you good